


Heartbeat

by Ashley2ashes



Category: Original Work
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Depression, Gay, Gay Male Character, Heartbeat, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Original Story - Freeform, m/m - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-26 09:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16679179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashley2ashes/pseuds/Ashley2ashes
Summary: Milo and James' friendship dynamic is jeopardized when James comes out as gay. Milo, lost in depression, isolates himself in order to protect James from his unrecognized jealousy and toxic self-deprecation;he just simply isn't good enough for James. As James flourishes in his truth, Milo buries himself in lies to deny any and all feelings that James' confession may have sparked in him. Milo just wants James to be happy, and he believes that will never be with him."The guilt around my shoulders grew heavier each day. Each disappointment, each broken promise hugged me tighter. You see, I promised James our friendship wouldn’t change. Being gay didn’t change who he was; he was still James. The problem is that it had changed me."





	1. What I Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first original story. Any constructive criticism is welcomed and appreciated as I have absolutely fallen in love with the story I am creating. Any inspiration or ideas are also welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

It was always like this now.

“Hey, Milo! Have any plans this weekend?” James eagerly asked me. He always asked me this. Every Friday at exactly 2:31pm when we were walking out of our last class into the hallway. 

I felt so tired. My body felt heavy and sluggish, practically dragging myself around all day. Could everyone see it? The effort it took just to be here, sitting in this desk? When all I wanted was to just be alone? Could James see it?

“Yeah, got some plans with my folks. Going out of town.” Lying had become too easy, the guilt just a regular weight I felt around my shoulders. An empty embrace pulling me deeper into dark depths of loneliness. I welcomed it, as always. That’s just the way things are, now.

“Oh bummer, I guess I’ll catch you Monday then.” James smiled a little.

 My heart ached at his disappointment. I’m sorry, James. I really am. I wanted to say it, but the words never made their way to my lips. I’m really not worth any amount of disappointment. I hated Fridays. I hated turning him down.

“I guess so.” I replied with my own polite, half-hearted smile.

James waved as he headed down the hall, meeting his boyfriend. I kept my eyes down on the floor, avoiding what usually happened next, trying to protect my heart.

I don’t even know how to tell the truth anymore. What would the truth even be in this situation? Yeah, I have plans, this weekend, sure. When else can I brood and suffer in darkness all day? I am very busy, and it’s obviously a one-man job. Or how about a, I can’t be alone with you anymore because my heart beats too fast and I can’t breathe? And my palms get all sweaty and I stutter on my words like an idiot? Can I tell him that?

No, it would ruin everything. More than it already has been ruined, and I really don’t want to hurt James. So, I feed him lies. It’s just better this way… Better for who? I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything anymore. I turned in the opposite direction and began my trek back home.

It’s not that I have a problem with James being gay. That’s not it. I’ve never cared about anyone else being gay. Love is love and all that; It’s not a gay thing. It’s just that since James came out, he’s been so much more outgoing. He talks to everyone now. He used to be so shy; he used to only talk to me.

Now he has his boyfriend to talk to. And all of his new friends. It’s as if he’s metamorphosized into a magnificent, social butterfly, and left me behind, still a caterpillar trapped in my chrysalis, my metamorphosis stunted. So, I’ve pushed him away. It’s just better, right?

The guilt around my shoulders grew heavier each day. Each disappointment, each broken promise hugged me tighter. You see, I promised James our friendship wouldn’t change. Being gay didn’t change who he was; he was still James. The problem is that it had changed _me_.

I remember the first time he introduced his boyfriend. He held his hand, he laughed, he smiled. And then I started getting all these _feelings_ … I felt as though the part of my brain that made happiness shattered into a million little pieces, impossible to repair. It’s not like they sell any new brains to replace this broken one that I have. When they hugged it was a kick in the gut that knocked the wind out of me, but that’s not even the worst of it. I accidentally watched as James walked down the hallway after class. Staring at the back of his head, because it was just so hard to look at him in the face; this was safe. The last tether of my security vanished, because in a blink of an eye they kissed. Of course I had to see that.

I don’t understand why the kiss bothered me most. I mean, yeah PDA is gross and all, but this hurt more than anything. I’d rather be hit by an oncoming truck then ever have to see them kiss again. What would James think of me if I told him all of this? The truth hurts, but I will protect him with my lies. It’s better this way. I’d rather him be happy, even if it’s with Ben.

So, yeah. I spend a lot of time avoiding eye contact, looking at the ground where I won’t see James kissing Ben. That’s my world now. James is out of my reach, spreading his wings and flying up high in the bright, blue sky. My world is down here, in the dirt.

Finally making it back to my house, I unlocked the door and with a thud, tossed my backpack on the kitchen table.

“Honey, I’ve asked you several times to not throw your backpack on the table. It’ll scratch,” Mom chastised me from the living room.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were home already.” I called back to her.

“I don’t care if I am home or not, don’t scratch my table!”

“Sorry mom.” I grumbled, removing my shoes.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, your head must be up in the clouds. You just haven’t been yourself…” I knew she was making that concerned mom face.

I rolled my eyes. No, I thought. I’m not up in the clouds, I’m being buried alive in the dirt, where I belong. It’s better for her not to know the truth either; the truth hurts.

“Sorry, I just have a test to study for. I’m just distracted that’s all; I’ll be in my room.” I lied.

“Ok Honey, are you sure? It’s a Friday night, can’t you study later this weekend,” my mom offered. She did look worried. I wasn’t exactly studious.

I hesitated.

“I’m fine, Mom.” I lied again. The biggest lie of them all, for the only thing I’m sure of is this: I am not fine. Not one bit.

I closed my bedroom door softly to not disturb her more, and flopped onto my bed face first. I lay there until I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. With a groan I rolled over and pulled it out to check: an Instagram notification. James sent me another cat video. He knew how much I loved these, and this one had a really big, fluffy cat falling into a bathtub and jumping out looking 10 times smaller and a lady scream-laughing in the background. It made me smile. Underneath the video he wrote a message that gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach.

_Probably your future wife._

He got it all wrong. That just didn’t _feel_ right. Sure, I’ve had girlfriends, but girls didn’t interest me anymore. But, to be fair, no one did. And I was ok with that. I mean, it’s not my fault if the girls at our school are just boring? It’s not weird to not be interested in girls, is it? It’s not like it’s girls in general. I think I like girls. I guess?

_Haha yeah probably_ , I replied.

After setting my phone face down, I stared up at the ceiling lost in my own thoughts. Life had become so inward, so heavy, it was exhausting trying to hold it all inside. Eventually it would have to spill like an overfilled bucked of water, just not able to hold any more weight. I let the tears silently stream down my face. Alone at last, this is what I wanted... Wasn’t it?


	2. Scorpions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I was way past butterflies at this point. These were full blown scorpions in my stomach. That was not fluttering I felt now, but pinches and stings. I could feel them crawling all over my body, up my arms, and down my legs; I shivered."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Living for that Milo angst #yaaaas

Monday arrived as it always did. Right on time, right on Monday.

My alarm on my phone went off so I could get ready for school. My heart always beat differently on school day mornings, in anticipation to see James, but I never knew the reason why. I think I just miss how things used to be, before all this boyfriend crap. It was just me and James, the natural order of things. That’s what felt right, us. We were best friends, but what are we now? Can we still be best friends?

Eagerly, I made my way to school. The morning chill left me exhilarated, heart beating strong and hard. It was the only time I felt alive. I stopped short of the school because it was still too early; they hadn’t opened up the campus gates yet. I decided to wait in the cherry tree grove at the park next to the school. I figured I could wait at the park bench for a few until I could go onto campus. With my head down, I studied the cracks in the sidewalk as I walked. Is it terrible that I actually relate to this sidewalk? Twisting, winding cracks blemishing the once smooth concrete, like lines drawn with an unsteady hand. My mom always said that ridiculous thoughts always come from geniuses, but I have to respectfully disagree; I’m just a sidewalk.

Thwack! Suddenly I ran into something hard and I rolled onto the ground, clutching my shin. I let out a few agonized expletives when I realized two things. One, I just ran into the bench, and two, that bench is occupied.

“Oh my god, Milo, are you ok?” James stood up in surprise.

Occupied by James and his boyfriend... Why is this my life?

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I murmured, still rubbing my shin. Yeah, definitely no genius.

 James extended his hand to help me up. Hesitantly, I accepted. Once standing I reflexively pulled my hand away and took a step back, embarrassed. I avoided his eyes, but lingered on his lips while he spoke.

“How was your weekend? Did you have a nice time with your parents?”

“What? Oh yeah. Sure.” I had almost forgot the excuse I fed him on Friday.

“Where did you go out of town again?” James inquired. It was polite curiosity.

“Oh, uhh, to visit Gran. It was her birthday not too long ago.” More like 4 months ago, but good enough.

“Nice. Ben and I went to the movies. I wanted to invite you to go with us, but maybe next time?”

That makes me sick just thinking about them at the movies together. Holding hands. Or WORSE. I didn’t want to think of the worse.

Ben finally stood up and put his arm around James’ shoulders.

“We should all probably get going to class. Don’t wanna be late now, do we?” He winked at me; I winced.

“Hey let’s walk together! It’s been so long since we hung out, Milo. We just have that once class together, and you’ve been really busy lately so…” James trailed off, with a hint of sadness in his voice.

James had Ben’s arm around his shoulder, but I had guilt on mine. It felt particularly heavy this morning. I was a good liar, but I could only lie so many times. I have to eventually hang out with him, just to get him off my back for a bit. I just don’t know how I am going to handle it, yet.

I took a breath to steady myself before answering.

“Well, I am free this weekend?” I said it like a question, unsure.

“Really!?” James blurted out.

My cheeks flushed at his excitement; I turned my head so he wouldn’t see me blush. My heart was racing faster than ever, as if I had just finished first place in a marathon run up Mount. Everest. I wish this would stop. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to _feel_.

“Yeah.” I answered shyly.

“Well, that’s great! I have so many ideas of what we can do!”

James went on and on about our potential plans together, and I had to bite my lip to keep from smiling like an idiot. This was a bad idea and I knew it.

“I’ll see you in class later!” James exclaimed, taking Ben’s hand and heading off into the direction of their first class. Again, I stared at the back of James’ head as he walked away. I admired his blonde curls, and I had this urge to just reach out and stroke the back of his head to feel how soft they were, those shiny, well-conditioned, gold spirals. They were beautiful. He was –

I furiously shook my head before I could finish that thought. What was wrong with me? What was I thinking? I ruffled my hair in frustration, trying to reset my brain. I wanted this day to be over already. I don’t think I can do this. How can I hang out with him this weekend? I won’t survive it.

 

__________________________________________________________________________________

 

My class with James was cut short today. We had a few minutes of time to chill in class before we would be dismissed for the day. James turned around in his seat to face me.

“Ok I finally figured out what we’re doing this weekend!” His eyes were bright blue, like the sky he soars in now, but they always sparkled when he got excited about something. And this time he was excited about me.

Well, at least spending time with me.

“Hmm? And what would that be?” I couldn’t help but smile back at him. I felt a ticklish flutter in my stomach, butterflies of anticipation.

“You, me, sleepover at your place,” he announced proudly. “It’s been so long since I’ve been to your house.”

I was way past butterflies at this point. These were full blown scorpions in my stomach. That was not fluttering I felt now, but pinches and stings. I could feel them crawling all over my body, up my arms, and down my legs; I shivered.

“A-a sleepover? As in s-staying the night? In my house?” I blubbered. Like an idiot. I felt my cheeks burn red hot.

“Would that be… alright with you? Would it… bother you?” The sparkle in his eyes dimmed, and insecurity washed over his face.

“N-n-no, no, it’s fine. Of course. Yeah, I, uh, just need to clean my room, that’s all!” I grinned, sheepishly rubbing the back of my neck. Another lie because, again, the truth hurts. The truth is that yes, it does bother me. It bothers me because you’re with Ben. It bothers me because I’ve changed; something’s wrong with me. It bothers me because you… because you deserve better, better than me.

Relief lit up James’ face once more, and he smiled. My eyes dropped to watch his lips, his smile was perfect. Not because he had his braces removed last year, it was something else. Something I felt when I looked at it. Warm, happy, bright. It was just James. It was… I racked my brain for the right word to explain it. It was… cute? No, that’s not it. Beautiful? Just too overused. Oh, now I got it! Spectacular! No, no, no that’s overdoing it.

“Um, Milo?”

I jumped at the sound of my own name, letting out a small shriek of surprise.

James just looked at me with a quizzical expression, cocking his head slightly to one side before a giggle escaped his lips. It was a magical sound.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said warmly as he got up to leave.

Slowly, I realized we were alone in the room; class must have been dismissed already and I didn’t notice. I was probably staring at him like an idiot for too long to be considered comfortable.

“James!” I jumped to my feet with sudden boldness and called out to him.

He turned around, waiting.

“I, uh, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I don’t know what I wanted to say, but I know _that_ wasn’t it.

On the walk home, I was full of scorpions.


	3. The Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry!” I cried, tears spilling down my face.   
> “I’m done with you, Milo. I hate you; you always lie, and I hate you!” He snapped at me. The sky turned black to match his eyes.  
> I couldn’t speak, I just lay there, crying. He was right, after all. Sorry wouldn’t fix this. Sorry wouldn’t fix us. I have been lying and pushing him away. I broke the friendship. It’s my fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to battle some writer's block with this one. Honestly, I'm just kinda writing this story out as it goes. I have a few ideas, but I just wanted to write from the heart. I had these two characters in my head and I wanted to try and bring them to life. This is my first time writing a story.   
> Feel free to send some inspiration my way for future chapters!

 It was Thursday evening and I still had no survival plan for the weekend. James was expecting the old me, the fun me. I sighed deeply at my desk in my room and shut my math book for the night. I couldn’t handle anymore calculus questions. I pulled out my phone and noticed a text from James, eagerly unlocking my phone to open it.

_Anything I should bring tomorrow? Snacks, games, cats?_ _😉_

If god could just send a lightning bolt right now to strike me, that would be great, I thought to myself.

_Lol sure just bring whatever. There’s not much to do at my house anyway._ I replied.

I took my phone to my bed and lay on my side, waiting for a reply, watching the little typing icon that said “James is writing something” underneath his picture. It was a picture of both of us from the 6th grade. We were wearing sunglasses at the beach with our arms around each other’s shoulders, throwing up peace signs. It was a bittersweet memory. It reminded me of how close we used to be, and also how much I’ve pushed him away. I kept my breathing even, focusing on filling my lungs just enough, and exhaling slowly; the guilt consumed me.

_I really missed you, Milo._

I know, I wanted to say, I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Tears welled up in my eyes. Why couldn’t things be the way they used to? Why couldn’t I be who I used to be?

_I’ll see you tomorrow_ , I sent back.

I pushed my phone off the bed and punched my pillow.

__________________________________________________________________________________

That night, I had a dream. 

I wiggled my toes in the warm sand as a breeze ruffled my hair. I looked up and down the beach, it was empty. Slowly, I stepped toward the ocean, feeling the water begin to splash at my legs, the wind hitting salty droplets into my skin. When ankle deep, I stopped and closed my eyes to hear the sounds of sea birds and the waves, rhythmically crashing along with my breathing. Breathe in, a swell, hold for one, two, three, breathe out, crash. Stretching my arms out to my sides, I stood there, open, absorbing the peace. For the first time in a long time, my shoulders felt light and free.

Suddenly the water froze, and I felt two hands cover my eyes. The weight returned to my shoulders, feeling like a ton of bricks were dumped onto my back; my knees buckled at the sudden change in atmosphere. I felt goosebumps on my arms, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

“Guess who?” Asked James. I knew it was him, I knew his hands. It was his voice but it sounded different, not exactly like himself.

“Uh, James???” I gulped. My heart beat hard, like a drummer was pounding with all his might with each stroke in an uneven rhythm.

James removed his hands from my eyes, but instead, tenderly held my face just inches from his.

“How’d you know?” He whispered into my lips.

My heart finally stopped. Everything stopped, it was cold silence.

“I always know.” I answered honestly, overwhelmed by his closeness; it felt good.

He took his finger and lifted my chin up, pushing my lips into his. My heart began beating again, feeding warmth back into my bloodstream, bringing me back to life. Desperately, I cupped his face, kissing him harder; kissing him back. I boldly grabbed his precious blonde curls, holding them firmly, eagerly, wanting to savor everything about this moment because this moment was everything to me; I was alive.

James broke the kiss by shoving me away. I fell backwards into the sand, eyes wide with surprise, my breaths still quick from our passionate kiss. James glared down at me; his sky-blue eyes turned black with hate.

“I know you lie to me, Milo.”

“I’m sorry!” I cried, tears spilling down my face.

“I’m done with you, Milo. I hate you; you always lie, and I hate you!” He snapped at me. The sky turned black to match his eyes.

I couldn’t speak, I just lay there, crying. He was right, after all. Sorry wouldn’t fix this. Sorry wouldn’t fix us. I have been lying and pushing him away. I broke the friendship. It’s my fault.

“You’re not worth fighting for, Milo.”

“I know.” I turned away from him, staring into the sand. I couldn’t look into his eyes; they didn’t look like his eyes.

I heard Ben’s voice, laughing at me next to where James was standing. Suddenly a wave appeared out of nowhere, crashing into me. My head slammed against the sand as my lungs filled with salt water.

I woke up coughing for air.

My mom burst open my door.

“Honey, what’s wrong, what is it?” Immediately sitting in bed next to me, wrapping her arms around me. I sobbed into her, finally letting my emotions out. The heartbreak I felt was pouring out of me in that moment. I didn’t have the energy to speak, all I could do was cry. My mom held me the rest of the night, rocking me and stroking my hair like she used to when I was little. It’s the only way she knew how to clam me down. Neither of us spoke until morning.


End file.
